Monday, August 20

World's Worst Foods

Have I mentioned that I'm sort of a spreadsheet nerd? Yeah, actually, I wrote a book on the subject. Total dweeb.

Over the weekend I began wondering which foods were the most protein dense...And couldn't find an answer online. Or anywhere else.

So I crunched the numbers myself, using the USDA's nutrition database (which database, it turns out, contains some weird glitchy errors, but now they're all sorted. Are you listening, government?)

And now I am the proud owner of a database of 1150 food items, analyzed by weight and caloric content, cross referenced with protein loads.

You'll be delighted to know I have actual numbers to back up the following assertion: Milky Way bars will kill you.

It's true.

Here, by my reckoning, are the five worst foods sold in the United States of America. My standard? Calories per gram of weight. Let's do this Letterman style:

  • Number five: Lard. (9 cal/gram)
  • Number four: Flax Seed. (10 cal/gram)
  • Number three: Gumdrops  (13 cal/gram)
  • Number two: Donuts (14 cal/gram)
And the number one most terrible food you can buy?
  • A Milky Way bar, with a rip-roaring 15 calories for every tiny gram of chocolately goodness.
Wait. That didn't come out right.

- - - -
If Neil Diamond had eaten as many Milky Way bars as I have, he'd be too embarrassed to sing this song: He Ain't Heavy.

9 comments:

  1. Isn't it good to have some things that are nutritionally dense, like flax seed and nuts? Very high calorie, but packed with nutrition. You just have to keep your serving size in the appropriate amount. (I'm not gonna go eat a bowl of flax seed, but a spoonful in my morning smoothie seems appropriate!) I mean, we do need calories after all, even if we're just trying to eat the ones that are good for us.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're absolutely right. But it fascinates me that those flax seeds are exploding with calories. As healthy and nutritionally dense as they are.

      Delete
  2. Wait. . .. .flax seed???? I thought that was healthy! Flax seed bread? And the article that I read about people who sprinkle flax seed on their food lose more weight??? Huh?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know, I know. It's choc-fulla protein. But gram-for-gram, that flax seed is just bursting with oil. Healthy oil, omega threes up the wazoo, but oil nevertheless.

      Delete
    2. Oh phew! Okay. I see you 'repent' in a later post. . . . . hehehe

      Delete
  3. Flax seed? Isn't that supposed to be a healthy thing!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sure. Not all calories are bad calories. But those fluffy little flax seeds are calorie bombs.

      Delete
  4. I have a favorite quote from a cookbook dating to the early 20th century touting the nutritional benefits of lard because, apparently, in those days calorie dense was considered nutrient dense. How much we've changed!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I was reading an article yesterday about how Procter & Gamble demonized lard to get everyone eating Crisco...transfat-laden heart-attack generating Crisco. Pie crust, anyone?

      http://www.motherlindas.com/crisco.htm

      Delete